Not Your Usual Gchat

I was hoping my 30's would bring in a new era of stability in my life. In my twenties I lost my father to cancer, lost my mother (tho still living) to alcoholism, had a tumultuous 4 year relationship, I got laid off, and lost my uncle to heart failure, changed sexual-orientation (again) and got a new job where people crying at their desks is a common occurrence. So needless to say I was hoping things would mellow out in my golden 30's. And falling in love with a really wonderful person seemed like a good way to start. I was not anticipating having gchat conversions like this:

Ummmmm ok....umm what?

(Side note, since E knows he's totes crazy it's apparently okay for him to check in on delusions. This isn't like a 'don't try to talk people out of their delusions' situation.)

So here I am, just dealing with my average stressful/sad life stuff and enjoying all the good/fun life stuff...and then this gchat. The surprising part is that the same day that this gchat happens E also probably made a trip to the grocery store and then made me homemade pizza for dinner. Or,yesterday while chilling at a local coffee shop E clued me in that he was seeing his thoughts is the lights....again...ummmm....ok...do we need to call Dr A? (E did, she seems to think it can wait till thursday's appointment) If someone just came up to you in the street and said this you'd probably be a little freaked-out. But there that person is now, dozing on the sofa after watching a DVD and telling me how cute he thinks my new hair cut is.

And that's the hardest part. Both these things are clear and true. My boyfriend is wonderful , my boyfriend is psychotic. We don't live in a world that shows much gray area - one were you can suffer and be afraid at the very same time be hopeful and kind. It's difficult to enjoy the present when the future is so unknown, and the only guarantee you feel like you are getting is that it will continue to be challenging. But then why not assume that it will still be good, too? And right now, that's all I've got - the new meds may not work, the disability may not come though, the mental healthcare system may fail. But it all may not. E may have some weird new notions tomorrow, and then also make those really good chocolate chip cookies...just sayin'.

-M