misdiagnosis, hells to the fuckin yes.

So I went to my appointment at the Early Psychosis Clinic and good news: I don't have schizoaffective disorder, I'm just extremely Borderline.  Well we already knew that.  The really good news is that ditching that diagnosis means ditching the possibility of cognitive impairment, memory loss, and flat out freaky behavior in the future.  Don't worry folks, I will not wake up one morning with the uncontrollable urge to build tinfoil hats.

I have Borderline Psychosis.  Not a walk in the park, and definitely rooted in genetic predisposition, but manageable through meds and CBT therapy.  Cause: being extremely stressed out, or just being in a constant state of distress.  Not a new story.  Writing and research on Borderline Psychosis is...rare, to say the least.  But it falls under the last DSM-IV BPD diagnostic criteria of "transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" , or criteria number 9.  I don't think that existed when I was first diagnosed, but it means that I'm not alone. 

So now the trick is finding a job that doesn't trigger the symptoms in such an uncontrollable way.  The job that's being held for me back at work is managing a team of 85 needy cashiers at a high volume, urban, natural foods grocery store.  Way too stressful.  So what's a Borderline Psychotic to do?  Well most likely, take a big pay-cut and change my career completely.  It's my ego versus my mental illness at this point.  How do I come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to do the job I've been doing for 6 years: managing people.  I'm freaking good at it, it pays well, but it makes me crazy.  But again, IT PAYS SO WELL, and we live in an area with a very high cost of living.

I'm sure M and I will make it work, we always do.  Onward and upward.  

Is this for reals?

So I got my confirmation for the Early Psychosis clinic registration office.  I'm planning on bringing M with me so they booked two appointments.  Get this: the total cost for our 15 mile trip across the bay to the magic hospital on the hill is going to cost SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. WTF? Are you f-ing kidding me??  This doctor had better be "wicked smart" as my psychiatrist put it (LOL, the language of Gen Xers ;-)

We have no idea how to pay for it, as we're both living from paycheck to paycheck as it is.  Guess it's time to ask Mom for money, not to say that she doesn't owe me something for being the root of a lot of this crazy (more on THAT topic to come...)

So M and I are frantically looking for things in the house that we can hock on Craigslist, foregoing movies and dinners out, and I just pray that when I lose my insurance next month I'll still be able to afford all of my medication after this sudden expenditure. Oh, and did I mention the regular EKGs I now have to undergo because my heart is beating too slow and is in danger of stopping?  A side effect of some of the medications I'm taking.  Try paying for one of those without insurance.

5 days and counting... I hope that the check I write them will be a good check, or they might send their goons out looking for me.  Oy.

-E