Being The Girlfriend

I'm the girlfriend. I'm the one in that past post who sounds so patient, loving, supportive and sane. And I am those things. I'm also frightened, confused, and lonely.

When I first met E I was a pretty regular 29 year old. I had a job that I liked some-days and hated some-days. I was mildly neurotic, recovering co-dependant, and working on those things with Al-Anon and other self-help tools. I went out to bars with friends, played with my niece, cleaned my apartment, read young adult novels about wizards. I'm still all of those things...well now I'm 30. The only difference is now, I love someone with a pretty severe mental illness/es. And as I'm finding - that's a pretty big difference.

Let me clarify this 'love' part - for myself and for you. I love E for E. He's kind, thoughtful, super smart, and agrees with me that seafood is gross and cats are awesome. I fell in love with him hard, fast, and it was one of the easiest things I've ever done. I love him when he's whispering sweet nothings into my ear and doing my laundry. And I love him when I get the feeling he may be entertaining some odd notions about the messages in the flashing lights at the check-out line. I don't love him because he is sick and I don't love him despite being sick. I love him. And he is sick.

Loving my boyfriend is easy. Loving someone with mental illness is not. The maze of information, support, and stigma I find myself navigating in is a bit overwhelming. What' helpful? What's doing too much? What's doing not enough? What can I expect? What can I accept? What boundaries do I need?  When is there a crisis? When are things okay? I have a different answer to those questions everyday and I think that might be how it goes for a while. One thing is really clear to me - we both need support - and it IS out there. I've gotten myself some already. I have a great therapist that I love, and although it is a different issue I find the wisdom of Al-Anon is a great comfort. But I crave a community that I don't have to explain things to, or worry about freaking out. Mostly, I want to be that girlfriend in E's post more, and the one who is crying at the kitchen table less - and I need support to do that.

-M