I'm tired of being asked if I'm okay, because you know what? The answer is usually "no, I'm not fucking okay", but that's not an answer anyone who asks the question is prepared to deal with.
Sometimes M asks the question; best case scenario, as she will accept the answer of no, I'm not ok. But any details of what, where, who, how or why tend to bring on overwhelm and she reminds me that she's not my therapist.
Sometimes my mother asks the question; worst case scenario, because I am forced into a lie about how I'm totally fine, in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy in the household, and to keep her from smothering me by trying to "fix" it.
And then there are all the times in between. Like at work, when they ask me if I'm ok, they don't really have time for the answer and all they really want to know is "are you going to have a seizure and pass out causing a smack to the head on the concrete floor". They don't know about all the crazy, and I can't imagine if they did. There are friends who pose the question, and I just can't break it to them that things are fucking tough right now and no, I'm not okay, and yes, it's true, I'm not asking for help.
But no one seems to ask when I am okay, which makes me feel like I'm transparent, like I shouldn't play poker because my face is a tell every time.
-E
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