misdiagnosis, hells to the fuckin yes.

So I went to my appointment at the Early Psychosis Clinic and good news: I don't have schizoaffective disorder, I'm just extremely Borderline.  Well we already knew that.  The really good news is that ditching that diagnosis means ditching the possibility of cognitive impairment, memory loss, and flat out freaky behavior in the future.  Don't worry folks, I will not wake up one morning with the uncontrollable urge to build tinfoil hats.

I have Borderline Psychosis.  Not a walk in the park, and definitely rooted in genetic predisposition, but manageable through meds and CBT therapy.  Cause: being extremely stressed out, or just being in a constant state of distress.  Not a new story.  Writing and research on Borderline Psychosis is...rare, to say the least.  But it falls under the last DSM-IV BPD diagnostic criteria of "transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms" , or criteria number 9.  I don't think that existed when I was first diagnosed, but it means that I'm not alone. 

So now the trick is finding a job that doesn't trigger the symptoms in such an uncontrollable way.  The job that's being held for me back at work is managing a team of 85 needy cashiers at a high volume, urban, natural foods grocery store.  Way too stressful.  So what's a Borderline Psychotic to do?  Well most likely, take a big pay-cut and change my career completely.  It's my ego versus my mental illness at this point.  How do I come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to do the job I've been doing for 6 years: managing people.  I'm freaking good at it, it pays well, but it makes me crazy.  But again, IT PAYS SO WELL, and we live in an area with a very high cost of living.

I'm sure M and I will make it work, we always do.  Onward and upward.